The death certificate

One afternoon (about 2001 or so) I retrieved the mails from the box and began sorting them out. Mostly were junk mails. Then there was a plain white envelope with Dad’s handwriting. He called me a few days earlier asking me to translate some document for him.
“Sure, send it over.” I said.
He didn’t elaborate what it was and I didn’t ask.
When I opened the envelope and unfolded the letter I realized that I was staring at my Mom’s death certificate.
I felt something just hit my head right on.
Ever since she committed suicide on May 29, 1968 when I was 7 years old, no one ever sat me down and explained how, when, where, what and why. I learned a bit here and piece there, mostly from relatives and mom’s colleagues. Never from my dad. It wasn’t until I was in my late teens, did my family began talking about her death carefully in my presence.

I felt ashamed. Abnormal. Small. Worthless. Guilty. The depression has been my best friend. I wrestled with it for the better part of my life. I harbored the thought of suicide. I did not want to have children because I was too scary of not being there for them. Now I became a mom. I knew how much love I have for my children. And I knew there was no way that I would abandon them. I wondered even more how could my mom leave me.


About The Kibbitzer

bio info .... mmmm ... still working on it ... will add soon ...
This entry was posted in Celestial Empire, Genealogy Research, Kith and Kin, View from Bottom. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *