Jan 22 2008
Born foes?
Is his mother and wife are born foes? I know that her mother is usually getting alone with her hubby just fine. I re-read 孔雀东南飞 The Peacock Flies Southeast, an ancient (Han Dynasty 25-220) tragic love story. The reason to visit it again was due to my genealogy research. The background was set in Lujiang Prefecture, Anhui Province where one of my branches was from.
Few decades had gone by after the initial read, and my view of it have somewhat changed (obviously!) It’s the love story then but now more of a relationship thing. Stepmother and mother-in-law (his) have bit of shady color to it - makes your lips curved downward. The other day, one of g/fs told us a story: when she turned 30 , her mother gave her $10k as birthday gift. “It’s a lot .. .. 10 years ago.” After some consideration, she bought a $8k Rolex for HIS mother. “Guess what my mother-in-law said to me?” She paused for specially effect, extending her left arm and turned her wrist up as if to glance at a watch. I’m not a mother-in-law, yet (hopefully will be one, one day?). So I could only think in terms of a daughter-in-law. I strongly share her willingness to please his mother and had done something similar. To be very honest, all we expected was a hearty thank you. “What did she say?” I thought might be hers is very sensible and tactful, half expecting some snappy reply .. “She said, ‘oh, I wanted the one with diamonds’ .. I bet she took it to the jewelry store to add diamonds .. from that on” she held up her hands in the air, “I told him, no more gift for her fm me.. “
When I was dating, Golfer’s grandmom eagerly told me that when she married, she got up at 4 or 5am to cook breakfast for the entire family. I wasn’t too bright, thought she was sharing some ancient story - how cool, girlie talk with his grandma! After all, I grew up reading this kind of tradition all the time. So I was quick to agree “of course, that’s the rule in the past.” And dumb enough went further, asking if she was a tongyangxi - 童养媳; child bride. She glared at me hard and left. Then she repeated it again the following time during another family gathering, did it finally draw on me she meant it for me. I didn’t grew any smarter during this short period of time (between the family gatherings), so I politely told her, “that’s so ancient .. sorry that you have to do it .. cause you didn’t have a job ..” I was amused at her guts, at this modern time, 1980s and in a foreign land, New York to remind me this old tradition. Hey, listen, I didn’t demand full time servant and 24/7 personal maid as my grandma had, :)) .. I enjoy cooking for him and my family and even agree it’s my duty regardless I have a day job or not. A happy and healthy relationship takes comprises and willingness to do more for your spouse/partner. But if someone swagger his or her finger, thinking it’s my duty to do so, well, tell you what, I might never set my foot in the kitchen again. Her attitude was wrong and offensive.
After our wedding, the following day, we went to my in-laws’ house, to be driven to the airport for our honeymoon. My mother-in-law greeted us, said, I kid you not, “oh my mother told me to tell you now that you’re married into the family, you need to learn to do things.” My father-in-law chuckled and said as matter factly, “what’s more does she need to learn? She can cook, clean, knit, install a sink .. “
Short cut there isn’t, but I think this isn’t a rocket science for maintaining a harmonic relationship with the in-laws. We have a common bond - the love for the son or daughter. Shouldn’t we get off a great start? My point of view, if I don’t expect something from my children (like getting up at 5am to cook .. second thought, do you think the grandmom told her own daughters - she has three - that once they’re married, should get up at 5am to cook for her hubby’s family? ok, it’s just the metaphor ..), then I should not expect that from their loved ones. Be relevant and up to date, correct? Treat the son/daughter-in-law the way you would want your own son/daughter to be treated by their in-laws, we’ll have a nicer story to tell next time around. Most people, at least I am, would return the favor in double dosage.